yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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