I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
