I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
we're making bets on your personal life
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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