oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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