Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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