I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
