my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
