First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
