there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
