Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
