i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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