neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize