I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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