Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
