I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
