I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
