Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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