she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
