Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
