The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
