So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
