You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
