I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
3pm strippers are depressing
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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