If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
