Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
