i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize