i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
