I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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