A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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