Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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