Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
