so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
