I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
