The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
