I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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