Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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