I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We smell like vodka and hangover
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
