My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
