i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
