Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
and you said cock pushups were impossible
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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