This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
