i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
