When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
When did angry sex become our thing?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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