We're facebook friends in real life
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
