I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize