literally had 100 drinks last night.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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