hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
