The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
