i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize