Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
