Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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