At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
