I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
