Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
