Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
