The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
