Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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