I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
40s are totally the cure
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize