You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
