Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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